09 March 2019 Posted By : Administrator

12 Thoughts You Only Have If You're In The Wrong Relationship

Dating is hard, and finding the right partner can be even harder. Once you find someone you're pretty compatible with, it's easy to settle into the comfort of that relationship. That's why it can be difficult, and take a long time, to recognize the signs you're in the wrong relationship.

We still hear people joke about how oppressive commitment is, comments about getting home to the "ball and chain". Many think this is what relationships are supposed to look like, but it's not. Anita Chlipala, LMFT and author of First Comes Us: The Busy Couple's Guide to Lasting Love, often sees clients who don't realize that relationships aren't supposed to feel like a prison.

"People think 'well this is the way a relationship should be,' or they didn’t know it could be any better," Chlipala says. "People buy into the 'shoulds'. Like 'I should move into the suburbs', or [think] 'well, my life is over', and I don’t think that has to be the case."

When talking to singles about dating, Chlipala encourages finding a "good fit" not a "right fit".

"Sometimes people think there’s this one person out there for them, or there’s this right person, but I think there’s multiple people who might be a good fit, so it kind of expands your dating pool or your options," Chlipala says.

Here are 12 thoughts you may have if you're in the wrong relationship, according to experts.

1"I Always Have Butterflies In My Stomach."

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

Butterflies aren't always a good sign. Chlipala often sees that people date based on their initial attraction to someone, or the initial chemistry in a relationship. This isn't the best indicator of who will make a good partner in the long run, and it's easy to confuse your lust at first sight with anxiety and other negative emotions.

“That’s not always the best indicator of who would be a good fit, because some of my anxious clients have a tendency of going for the people who are emotionally unavailable, and so that creates feelings, but those are not healthy feelings," Chlipala says. "What they think is butterflies and a connection is actually anxiety, we all have anxiety when we first start dating someone but it should go away."

2"We're Not On The Same Page."

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

Chlipala warns against focusing if you're on the same page, but not for the reason you'd expect.

"If you worry about being on the same page, [you] might be trying to get [your] partner to be more like [you], instead of accepting them for who they are," says Chlipala.

Chlipala says you and your partner won't be on the same page about everything. Probably not on most things. But when couples focus too much on differences, it's often a sign they're not accepting their partners for who they are.

3"I Don't Know If I Can Tell My Partner How I Feel."

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

"You need to be vulnerable in order to have a deep connection," Chlipala says. "It doesn’t mean you share everything but you have to be able to let your partner know how you feel, the vulnerability in a relationship in order for there to be deep intimacy. So when that’s missing it’s not a good sign."

If you feel as if you can't tell your partner how you're feeling, take a step back and question why that is. It could be because you don't feel totally comfortable being yourself around your partner, or because your feelings are about a relationship dealbreaker. Either way, it's always best to address your feelings and try to identify the root problem.

4"I’m Afraid To Tell Them What Really Turns Me On."

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

"Compatibility isn’t about wanting the same things or desire sex with the same frequency," Jess O’Reilly Ph.D., host of the Drive Him/Her Wild With Pleasure Webinar Series, tells Bustle. "I believe that compatibility involves being willing to put in a similar amount of effort to meet one another’s needs and being open to understanding your partner’s desires without judgment."

O'Reilly says that compatibility is a big part of any relationship, and partners should be striving to meet each other's needs.

"You may not be compatible today, but you can become compatible if you’re willing to consider your partner’s needs and make an effort to find common ground," Dr. O'Reilly says.

5"I Don't Know How They Fit Into My Future."

Ashley Batz/Bustle

If you're imagining big plans for your future, and you forget to include your partner, that's usually not a good sign. If you're unsure how your partner fits into you life in the long run, it's a good idea to figure out why that is.

"A lack of commitment to the relationship results in relationship dissolution," Dr. O'Reilly says. "Sometimes this commitment is lacking from the beginning and in other cases, commitment erodes over time. It can erode gradually or drastically in response to relationship events like infidelity."

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